Confrontation
by tessinciucy
Summary: After the events of my previous story Burned Out, it's time for Deeks to go back to work and to have a confrontation with the person who triggered his violent reaction, sending him on the edge of the precipice.


Usual disclaimers appy here, the characters don't belong to me, I just play with them... badly ;)

As always all the mistakes are only mine.

* * *

Confrontation

When he walked into the bullpen, he couldn't hide his nervousness. Since waking up that morning, he had tried to figure in his mind what he was going to do once he was back at work. His brain had formed a plan of action, but the moment he opened the door of the Mission, he forgot about it almost immediately and a growing feeling of anxiety bugged him from the inside.

"Just breathe" he told himself inhaling deeply "Everything is going to be fine"

His therapist, Dr. Morrow, had told him that it was not going to be easy, but he didn't expect it to be so hard… maybe he was not ready to come back, maybe it was too soon, maybe…

Doubts and fears assaulted Deeks' mind, because there was not coming back now, because today it was his first day back with the team, his first day back in this place after… after he broke down in front of his friends.

A frown wrinkled his forehead at the thought, hell… he had pointed a gun at Callen! If Kensi hadn't stopped him, he would have probably pulled the trigger!

He didn't remember much of what happened that day, his memories were still confused and images still flashed in front of his eyes as he tried to go back with his mind. He could see faces of crying children, bloodied and scared, their voices screaming in his ears while Arthur Tan's evil laugh resounded in the air; then all of the sudden, he was one of those children, his blue eyes filled with tear and pure terror as he watched his father walking closer and closer with the same evil laugh, the same satisfied expression he had seen too many times on Tan's face.

Deeks couldn't suppress the shiver that ran down his spine and, as a reflex, he closed his eyes, hoping that those images simply went away, that those screams simply stopped haunting him. He inhaled deeply and tried to fill his mind of the things that relaxed him, as Dr. Morrow had taught him in the last months. He thought about the ocean with his waves and imagined himself surfing at dawn. Slowly his heartbeat calmed down and he seemed to regain the control of his body.

Opening his eyes, Deeks was startled to find Callen in front of him, talking to him.

"Deeks… Deeks! Are you ok? You've been standing there for ten minutes like you've seen a ghost…"

"Fine…" he murmured, still a bit shaken "I'm fine…"

"Coffee?" Callen asked not convinced at all by the cop's answer, but he decided not to press him too much. The memory of Deeks' eyes staring at him while he aimed a gun at him, was still too vivid in his mind.

"Yeah… I could use one" the detective moved towards his desk, realizing that both Sam and Kensi hadn't showed up yet and this left him alone with Callen. During the long months of his recovery the two of them had talked like they used to do, once in a while cracking a joke to each other, but they had carefully avoided any conversation related to what had happened that infamous day. Maybe this was the right moment to go back to that topic, to set things straight between them, maybe… his train of thought was interrupted when his friend placed a cup of coffee on his desk.

"You sure you can drink that?" Callen asked, smiling.

"Are you afraid I could snap like I did the other time?" Deeks' words came out harshly, without any hint of irony, harder than he intended them to be. Realizing his mistake, he closed his eyes, bowing his head "Sorry… I… I didn't mean…"

"Hey… it's ok. I got you" the senior agent told him, his eyes calm and understanding.

"No, it's not ok… hell, I could have killed you!"

"But you didn't… that's all that matters"

Deeks got up from his chair, passing his hand through his hair, pacing up and down "It matters to me, Callen… and it matters to me that I never apologized for that" he paused, breathing heavily as he wanted to get rid of a burden weighing on him "I… I truly lost it and you were going to pay the highest price. If only…" he stopped abruptly his pacing, locking his deep blue eyes on Callen's.

"Ok, let's do it this way. I accept your apologies only if you stop blaming yourself. I'm still here and so are you. This is the most important thing."

Deeks frowned, narrowing his eyes, trying to understand the meaning of Callen's last words "I… I don't understand… I…"

"You don't understand? Hell Deeks! You scared me to death! Seriously… what I saw in your eyes that day, still terrifies me. It wasn't the gun that scared me, it was you!" without realizing it, the senior agent raised his voice, venting his own frustration. He looked at his friend's puzzled expression so he explained himself "You don't get it, do you? I've seen a lot of bad things in my life, my own personal life is like a spy-book itself, but I've never seen so many emotions... fear, pain, desperation, mixed all together in anyone else's eyes. And it hurt me, because I saw all of that in a friend's eyes. And you know what? What hurts me the most? That one day my own friends might have to see the same pain, the same desperation, the same fear in my eyes…"

For the first time in ages, Deeks was speechless. He never expected Callen to be so touched because of what happened between them. Well, he expected his friend to be mad, to be angry, maybe disappointed, but this compassion, this affection were completely new to him.

"You know, I can't stop thinking that if you lost it, why won't I do that? As Sam told me, we all have a breaking point… and believe me when I say that, I thought you would be the last person that could reach it, because you have that damn good attitude towards life, you're laid back, always ready to joke or to smile; so sometimes we forget that you had a hell of life yourself, that you're just like us…" Callen paused, taking a deep breath "…and sometimes we forget how tough our job is, we forget that one day it might happen that we'll see something, that we'll be forced do to something that will affect us too deeply, so deeply that we'll lose ourselves. We all hope things like that will never happen, but we know it's a possibility and we have to learn to accept it, not live like it doesn't exist"

There were tears in the cop's eyes but he tried to hold it, he didn't want the other man to think that he was too emotional, too weak to go back to work. But man, it was hard… with the river of emotions and unknown feelings flooding his entire soul.

Callen surprised Deeks, walking towards him, staring straight into his eyes "And you have to learn to trust your friends. Do you really think I could be mad at you after everything you went through? I am angry, yes, but only because I didn't see it coming. Because only Kensi sensed that something was wrong with you… I am your team leader, I am responsible for all of you"

Deeks could only shook his head "No, you…"

"I should apologize, that's what I have to do. I triggered your reaction, hell I sent you on the edge of your destruction!"

Callen's vehemence shocked Deeks, who stared at him with his mouth wide open "Callen, I… I don't even remember what happened that day. The last thing I have clear in my mind is coming back at my desk, then everything is… blurred" the detective shivered at his own lie. It was not true that he didn't remember anything; he didn't know what Callen did or said to made him snap, that wasn't a lie, but the distorted images that still flashed in front of his eyes were scary enough "But I know I was… terrified, I have never been so scared since… since long time ago"

For a moment none of them talked, both lost in their own thoughts, then Callen broke the awkward silence "Deeks, may I ask you something? Be free not to answer… I… I understand if you don't want to…"

"Shoot" the cop cringed realizing what he had just said "Sorry, bad choice of word…"

Callen could only smile at what was his friend's first attempt at humor since this conversation has started "Did… did your father ever call you _Pretty Boy_?" he saw Deeks froze as color drained from his face.

"What…. Why? Why are you asking me that?"

"Because… well that day, when you… I… well when it happened, Sam and I didn't know you were so stressed, so on the edge… so we joked with you thinking that everything was normal. I asked you if you kept a longer beard to appear more mature, to lose the look of a Pretty Boy to charm older women and doing so I… I laid a hand on your shoulder. It was then that you…"

"That I lost it…" Deeks' legs failed him and he had to sank into his chair "Oh crap..."

It was enough of an answer for Callen, just the confirmation of his fears "I'm sorry... I wish I'd know"

"He... he used to do that, mocking me, calling me Pretty Boy to offend me, telling me that I was good only to play with little girls and their dolls. He laid a hand on my shoulder... and then slapped me with the other one. Every time it started in that way..." there was a bitter smile on the younger man's lips, his blue eyes veiled with tears.

"This explains a lot... sadly..."

Again the silence fell between the two men, as both were looking for the right words to say.

"Yeah... that I should trust my friends a little bit more" this time the smirk on Deeks' face, brightened his whole expression "Keeping secrets to the people who care for you is never a smart move..."

Callen chuckled finally glad to see a spark of the old Marty Deeks coming out of the shell of the young tortured soul that was standing in front off him just few minutes before "Hey, maybe you forget that you have in front of you the Master in Communication of Personal Feelings..."

The two men stared at each other and then burst out laughing.

"We're such a nice pair..." Callen stated, still grinning.

"Oh yes, handsome, deadly... dangerous... quite a pair!" echoed Deeks, shaking his bowed head, smiling. Then, he became serious as he asked offering a hand to shake "So, are we good?"

Callen not only grabbed it but guided the younger man into a brotherly embrace "We've always been good"

A new sense of peace and calmness engulfed Deeks who felt lighter "Thanks" he said, breaking the contact.

His friend patted him on the shoulder, unconsciously, almost in the same way he did that infamous day, but he was glad to see that the shaggy detective didn't react at all "Just try not to scare me like that again. You take ten years away from me..."

"Oh so that's it!"

Callen watched Deeks warily "So that's it... what?"

"That's why you had white hair on your temples!" Deeks flashed one of his infamous smiles that was repaid with a light punch in the shoulder "Hey... you should be careful. I'm still recovering... and you don't want to upset Kensi hitting me"

"Well, I thought she always hits you!"

"Yeah... because she can't resist my charming personality!"

Callen couldn't suppress a laugh "You know, I never imagined myself saying that, but... I'm glad you're back Deeks"

"It's good to be back as well" Deeks' eyes lightened up, with happiness, for the first time in months.

"Since you're so glad to be back... why don't you start sorting out all these reports? They've been waiting for you for ages..." the senior agent indicated with his finger the enormous amount of folders on the detective's desk, a pleased expression planted on his face.

"Why have I the feeling that you, Sam and Kensi are taking advantage of me here?"

"Deeks?"

"Yes, Callen?"

"Shut up and start doing your job!"

Deeks banged his head on his desk "Oh the joy of life!"

* * *

Meanwhile, up in Ops, Sam and Kensi were watching along with Nell and Eric, the entire exchange between their two partners thanks to a hidden camera Eric had strategically hid on Sam's desk.

"So what do you think?" Sam asked Kensi.

"I think... it went well" she replied smiling as they gave an high five to each other. They have decided to show up at work earlier than usual and hiding in Ops, leaving in that way Callen and Deeks alone, so they could have the opportunity to have that confrontation they both needed. Their plan had worked perfectly "Do you think we have to go downstairs now?"

Sam smiled cunningly "Maybe we can watch a little bit more. It's just too entertaining..."

She cast a glance at the screen and couldn't agree more with him "You're so right!"

* * *

Safe from prying eyes, Hetty Lange observed the whole scene, smiling. Her team was back. Whole and tighter than ever. "Yes, that went well, Miss Blye. That went very well."

The end

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A/N and here it is, the bit I haven't planned to write. I wish it could be a sort of closure and that I was able to explaine what happened in the "missing scene" of Burned Out between Callen and Deeks.

Thanks if you followed me till here without sending daggers to me :)


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